Sunday, November 23, 2003
I'm relapsing back into the feeling of nothingness. A time where your soul is void of all emotions. Everything is washed away, but my mind is strangely clear. Serenity has touched me for a brief precious moment.
The first time I experienced this, I was totally freaked out. I could not feel anything. Not fear, not love, not happiness. But not sadness either. It was as though I was cleared of everything. Of all worries and frustrations. It did not last only for a minute. It lasted for a whole two weeks. Peace flooded through me.
I would not say it was a bad experience. Just weird. I'm sure some of you would have felt it before. As I am typing my thoughts onto the computer, I have this strange desire to empty my entire bank account and donate it away to the poor and suffering. I see a little child, cold and hungry, lying on the streets in the harsh winter. If only everyone was well and happy.
But all else is
silence.
|| 9:30 PM ||
Saturday, November 22, 2003
He came up some distance in front of me. I tried to ignore him, but he finally managed to grab my attention by showing me how to do the steps, which I had been practising continuously for hours, correctly. Surprised, I flashed him a huge grin, and he smiled back somewhat awkwardly. *gasp* I actually smiled at a guy whom I totally did not know. And in case you all get the wrong idea, he is at least ten years older than me and probably just a bored, nosey skater who decided to impart some of his expertise to a little beginner.
|| 10:40 PM ||
Friday, November 21, 2003
I think I've just composed the most horrible 16-bar melody in my whole life. I shudder at what Ms Koo will say later when she hears it. I mean, it's in E-flat major modulated to B-flat and in three-eighth time. Eew. I'm just not in the mood for theory now.
Today's debate wasn't
that bad. I did screw up but not too much and thankfully no one mentioned it. It's kinda funny now that I think of it, my stammering and Manisha's speech and Mr Koh's "ting!" and Rachel's "huh?" when Kirsten stopped abruptly. Haha.
I can't wait to get on the ice again tomorrow. Janet told me she would not be coming tomorrow but I still hope I'll see her anyway. Then she can help me with my snow-plough stop. It's awfully embarrassing practising that and the backward wriggle in public. Never mind, I shall go very early when there are few people. I also must remember to clarify the lesson dates with the office.
|| 4:30 PM ||
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I guess he's getting pissed at me and I at him. It's all his fault. I'm never going to talk to him again. Hmph.
|| 10:15 PM ||
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
I hate people. Not you particularly, but humans in general. I hate all their flaws, thier selfishness, their greed. It's always about me, me and me, and everyone else takes second priority.
I long for freedom. Freedom to do whatever you want, to be yourself, not caring about what other people think. The monotony of this world, everyone is the same. Mundane routines of getting up, going to work or school, and doing what you are pressurised to do. If anyone upsets the routine, people stare, rebuke, shake their heads in disapproval. People. Maybe they are longing to break away too, deep in their hearts admiring the "outcast" for his courage. But it is only right by social standards to react like they did.
Masks. In everyone, I see a mask which they wear. They mould it carefully, shaping it to make it different, to give it that unique touch. Then some of them are so eager to copyright their character, to ensure their specialness is not eroded away. People want to be different. They make sure everyone knows their favorite things, to shape their impression of them. Of course there are exceptions. But in the end everyone's the same. Just comforming to a trend of uncomformity.
When I was young I used to think I was not human. Because there's always been a gap somewhere. I used to imagine I was an angel, pure and flawless inside. Even now in solitude I have fleeting moments of escapism. Sometimes I imagine that I am living alone in a little cottage in the woods, a little girl with two braids of hair down her back and a basket in her hands. It is autumn, the leaves are red and gold. Wandering about in the woods, looking for the last of wildflowers for companionship before winter comes.
|| 6:35 PM ||
Sunday, November 16, 2003
I was vaguely drifting into slumber but a little voice in my head prevented me from doing so. My mind was wide awake, but my eyelids were filled to the brim with sleepdust, and I was feeling slightly nauseous. Then I remembered the evil glint in the cook's eye as he prepared the food I ordered. It did taste a little funny but I thought the potato was just a little unfresh. Now I feel the poison seeping through my veins, depriving my blood of oxygen as the seconds ticked by. My eyelids grew heavier and heavier as I lay, too weak to move, on the bed. I struggled to keep them open, but no, they would not listen. My mind was still active, in a messy whirl of thoughts while the rest of my body was going to sleep...
Now of course this isn't true. It's all imagination, I hope. But I'm feeling dreadfully sleepy, and the potato at Delifrance in J8 did taste funny. In fact it ruined my impression of the Deli Potato Supreme - I had never before tasted such a revolting baked potato. Anyway, I went to meet up with Huimin today. She hasn't changed at all. We went to the arcade, against my wishes, but in the end I kinda had fun there. Then of course we went to take Neoprints - the age-old tradition of ATS-2003-6Fers and there I met Madie and Farrah. I had to go home pretty early because I felt rather dizzy. I'm alright now, though I have no idea why I feel so tired and weak. I hope I'm not falling sick again, not when I have just recovered from my fever.
|| 9:40 PM ||
Saturday, November 15, 2003
I awoke to find two spots of crimson lying side by side on my right shoulder. The spider had come to visit last night.
|| 7:35 PM ||